Growth 17

Growth 17
9x6" oil, marker on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Ever since I had been in remission, I have been thinking about a creature to represent new growth. I thought I would try out a little lizard-like character, cheery and fluid and gorgeously-patterned. Some of these creatures can grow back limbs and tails and such, and similarly, as I recover my fingers seem to be coming back to life. Suddenly I can draw details again. I can feel my designs once more, and draw with my finest pens just for the joy of it.

Growth 16

Growth 16
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Impending. Most of the time I avoid thinking about it, but from time to time, my upcoming cancer test results blanket my brain in a white fog. Pending. Coming soon. I scribble in the fog, over and over. Every time I sketch and scribble in my painted books, I find myself laughing over something...fat birds and rubbery characters, or strange, unintentional shapes. Here, my little worries become a Marie Antoinette hairdo, a Cool Whip turban. Just a momentary lather. Or another kind of Growth.

Growth 15

Growth 15
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

On a glorious sunny day, with my joyful bird characters twittering in my mind, I just paint and draw for fun.

Growth 14

Growth 14
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

After a critical period in life, we all change in some way. The renewed woman has grown spiritually: she gratefully cradles the bird, which represents the gift of life. She dwells in this one moment, content.

Growth 13

Growth 13
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

The sun came out today. Recovery. Warmth and sunshine. A flower blooms unexpectedly. I have been using up old tubes of paint for these pages, and this ancient crusty cadmium yellow was full of lumps. Even my chemo-numbed fingers can feel them, scattered like a code or a lunar landscape. Texture=Sensory Input, an artistic process that is felt, like the quick gestural image.

Growth 12

Growth 12
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

A quiet dream. Gentle ideas flutter about, and remain.

Growth 11

Growth 11
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Chaotic growth. Brilliant intrusion, the beginning of something new.

Growth 10

Growth 10
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Growth 10 about dichotomy; after illness and trauma, the brain divides in two. One part carries on as normally as possible, avoiding the thoughts of the other part. Cancer is always there in the other half, waiting to reappear, and potentially treacherous cells hover in between, waiting to change. You are always waiting for the next test. You are always in your little world, thinking of other things, normal things.

Growth 9

Growth 9
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Somewhere in the new green growth, an idea is forming, still vague and distant.

Growth 8

Growth 8
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Lately my mother and I have enjoyed looking through her sketchbooks. She keeps finding more...and she has a considerable number of them...and we pore over them, laughing and exclaiming. They are mostly filled with fish characters, designs and motifs. Some of them are whimsical, some extraordinarily beautiful. They spin around each other, changing into other things and back again, and she arranges them in complex patterns. Her sketches always fill my head with ideas, as my own characters try out some fish poses and fish ideas, waiting to take their places in my new paintings.

Growth 7

Growth 7
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Here are the cancer cells again, seemingly under an impenetrable mountain. Yet beyond the burden and work of fighting this malevolence, a new world appears. The other side. Something to aim for, hope and light. And much nicer colors, too. Give me back my yellows and blues!

Growth 6

Growth 6
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Blessed cleansing rest, letting everything pour in and pour out. This is an important part of growth.

Growth 5

Growth 5
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

I was not going to exhibit this painted book, because the subject is so gruesome and personal. Cancer frightens everyone. But time has given me a different perspective. Now it all seems more symbolic than personal. In this image, I imagine myself reaching in, grabbing the cancer cells. An overwhelming urge to do something. And of course, throughout the entire process of diagnosis, surgery, chemo, testing, etc., you do feel as if you have lost control of your life. Or perhaps you are more aware of how little control you ever had.

Growth 4

Growth 4
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

In Growth 4, my character receives the news, or maybe the news is just sinking in. It is entirely surreal, being told you have cancer, like something from a soap opera or B movie. I suppose some people break down into hysterics or cry for six months, or sink into depression. This character is just the one inside, the little child having a fit, while the outer me remains (fairly) stoic.

Growth 3

Growth 3
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Growth 3 has more to do with the brain, the exponential growth of both normal and alien tissue, and the eventual return to normalcy.

Growth 2

Growth 2
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

When I first was diagnosed with cancer, the whole idea of something alien growing inside me was disconcerting. I tried to imagine this new growth, the antithesis of positive development and change. In my sketches, I have been searching for a pattern to define it. Growth 1 is closer to the appearance of real cancer cells, but in this sketch I am imagining the vectors and entanglements of the changed cells.

Growth 1

Growth 1
9x6" oil on PC Paintbrush IV manual

Growth is one of those double-edged words I like, both positive and negative. In one sense, it represents change and development. We leave behind the branching structure of our lives, and are pushed along on the growing edges of it. In another sense, growth means a tumour or malignancy. Sometimes such a growth is simply a flaw in us, sometimes a cancer. Sometimes it can be covered up, rendered benign, or removed. But there is always the chance it will return.